Grampa is here

No one told me that grampa is coming to town, until I called my mum tonight and was told that he is here in town, at my cousin's place, with my aunt and uncle. I was delighted, but was pissed that no one bothered to tell me. Uncle's reason - you would have found out from your mum anyways.

That aside (family...grrr!), I quickly made my trip down to my cousin's place (lucky thing I had a cancelled dinner date) to see him, and he is as healthy as ever. And he is 96. Probably has more energy than I ever have. Still have not managed to learn his secrets. Tongkat ali? Don't think so!

I love my grampa.

On to cancelled dinner date. I have to ventilate. Should I tolerate this thing when it happens again for the umpteenth time? What is it with Virgo men that they cannot tell you in your face that they don't want to go out with you right from the beginning, and rather they make your hopes go soaring, only to douse it at the very last moment (worse still, sometimes they just let you stand in the cold). Not one Virgoan, but three already. All the same. Anyways, I gave him a chance to make a come back, and he blew it on the first try. That is it. This baby is done with that one. You can kiss my tushie goodbye.

Things That Make You Go "Huh?"

A nice day of a leisurely visit to the Museum, with four meals to go along, and nice company (thatnks Nikki et al), today was. Haven't been to the place for a long while, and I had forgotten how nice and peaceful the place was, dredging up memories from years past when the place was my everyday affair as I slaved there for the peanut that the paid me. Good experience though, worth dredging up again. Of course nice co-workers, who still remain as friends to these days, hence the special treatments I get everytime I go there - discounted entrance fee ("he is my brother" and I look like the moon and she looks like the sun), discounted merchandise at the shop ("ring him up under my staff ID"), free latte and baklava at the restaurant ("nevermind la..you haven't been here for sooo long"), a tour of the never-open-to-public VVIP lounge, patron's lounge, director's offices, and soon-to-be-open patron's library ("what do you think of the beams, they are sooo ugly"), and again discounts at the shop ("don't close the register yet, he wants to loook at the chinese calligraphy!"). I felt so warm and fuzzy after (and I wonder why I ever left? Simple, money :) ).

The "huh" things happened during the visits (no, haven't forgotten about the title yet):

Huh No 1: A phone call came when I was peering at the mughal painting that costs half of my salary at the shop. My client from the just finished project called to check on some system thingy, and I told her that I was on vacation and was at the museum, hoping she was going to cut the call short. And she blurted out "oh, you are taking your children out for a museum tour?". Huh?

Huh No 2: Chatting away with my museum friends at the restaurant over latte and baklava in that white, very white space of a place, lulled by the also white noise of the afternoon, feeling contented and happy, when Hal motioned to Mid, complete with that sly conspiratorial smile, and said "aren't you going to tell him what my friend said the other day?" and Mid said "oh yeah, Hal's friend said that I didn't know that Mid is married. Boy, I have a very young husband!". This was when we went to Hal's housewarming party together. I too, had to say boy... Nikki almost drank his latte through his nose! Double huh!

Huh No 3: So many cute people around today. Nikki also pointed out the same thing too. That waiter at the Museum restaurant, what's his name again? Syed? Wowwee... (Nikki, he is MINE!) That maintenance worker in the lift. The guy in the blue shirt at GEM...(Nikki, if I have to kill you I have to kill you for that one, and I saw him first!). Now, are there that many good-looking people, or have we been too long cooped up, or are we just plain desperate? And that includes Nikki too. Desperate I mean. Another huh!

Now, for a hmmmm experience instead, go to http://www.iamm.org.my/ to experience the experience I experienced today (the museum's that is).

My New Year Wish List

Dear God and whoever else who listens,

Here is my wish list for year 2006 (and I used to think that year 2000 coming was unimaginably far far away):

1. For me to have more money to buy my parents more comfort, for mum to have better treatment for her ailments

2. For me to have more money to pay off my debts (house, house, car, credit cards, credit cards, credit cards..)

3. For me to have more money to start saving

4. For me to have more money to go visit bf in Dubai and stay there for a long while

5. For me to have a better paying job which doesn't make me work for 3/4 of my waking time, which will give me more money to achieve 1 - 4

6. For me to have a better paying job which doesn't make me work for 3/4 of my waking time, which will give me more time to achieve 4

7. For me to have a better paying job which doesn't make me work for 3/4 of my waking time, which will allow me to have more time to spend with my parents

8. For my family to be happy and to appreciate the family as it is - as individual members with different characters who are forced by the sheer fact that they are born from the same womb to live together, peacefully

9. For me to be happy and content and at peace with myself

10. For my friends Gav, Jip, Hasx, Kel, Dol, Yat and anybody else that I forget to mention their names (my Academy Award speech) to be happy and content and at peace with themselves

11. World peace, with no sad stories

12. World peace, with no traffic jams

Happy New Year. May God bless all.

p/s and yes, I want to try to make it to the Holy Land, although I hate to put it in the list yet....

Clawed on the butt...

...by an ugly tomcat!

Hammie did his usual door thing again - running outside when I opened the door to let my visiting friend out, only to encounter a big ugly tomcat outside the door hissing at him. And Hammie being Hammie just walked straight into the ugly guy, without knowing that the guy wanted to claw him. And yours truly, being the protective parent he is, picked him up and tried to bring him inside, only to be jumped by the tomcat and clawed. On the butt and thigh! So pain!

The stupid cat practically stuck itself on my butt and would not let go until my friend helped! I didn't event know what struck me! Had blood practically oozing from my butt. And there I was trying to clean my butt, ain't easy, I can tell you that, and then I heard this loud thump from the back balcony and this loud cat-fight! The tomcat leapt onto the back roof when he saw Hammie appear at the back balcony, and there were really fighting. And I wouldn't even call it a catfight - it was horrendous. And moi, the inexperienced parent ran haplessly to the balcony (of course I grabbed a towel first.. he he) and tried to stop them by poking at them with the handle of the broom, while trying very hard to not be embarassed (all I could think of was my downstairs neighbour and how he would be bitching for a week for the disturbance on his roof, bad neighbour me), but I only managed to aggravate them more.

Neighbours started to come out (and imagine me in my towel with my cute little belly, not...) and the maid next door told me to pour water on the two fighting cats. That worked. Only that both of them jumped downstairs into my neighbours backyard, which I have no access to from outside, and I had to go and knock on my downstairs' neighbours' door to go and check on Hammie, which thankfully by then was done with the fighting and was just holding fort at one corner of the yard. (I forgot to mention that I had of course by then put on a tshirt and trackpants). What a commotion. What an embarrassment to the neighbours. I think I have to go buy them a cake tomorrow.

Hammie survived his first fight. Of course he looked like he was dragged through the mud when I picked him up, with cuts all over, and probably is emotionally scarred (is there a feline psychologist somewhere?) but he has proven himself to be a man-cat. But once is enough, for me at least. So malu!

Oggi-astic!

I can't even remember when was the last time I had a fantastic dinner with good company, good food, good ambience. Those with bf don't count, of course. I had one tonight. Team Gemini, as we are called at the client site, finally managed to perform magic and miracles and managed to bring the project to completion, right on the dot as planned. Of course the pains that we went through, if I have to list them will take a few months to compose, but we did it. No one thought it was possible. So I decided to treat the team (well, there are 3 of us, if you can call that a team) to a nice dinner, and I made them choose the place. I have to admit that I did nudge them a bit towards Oggi, as it has been a long time since I last went there, and I know I will not part with my mullah if I have to pay for the dinner myself (did I remember to mention that I decided to treat them using the company's money? :) ).

It was nice. Really nice. The team has always worked well together, despite our little tiffs and differences, but those are work-related. We have lunch almost everyday together, that kind of things. So to have this dinner as a celebration was like having dinner with good friends. We were just being silly and goofy, and enjoying every minute of it, talking nonsense. SM who is always so proper loosened up and after a glass of wine was acting slightly silly and funny. Well, nice silly and funny. MH dressed up, complete with a wrap, and lipstick! I wasn't the one drinking, but was tipsy with joy. Wanted to stay stomach, and it came out as stummy. :P

Of course, we had to order extra dessert! I just hope that my boss will not jump out of his chair when he sees the bill.. he he.

I need to do this again, soon. On company's account that is. :)

Music of My Heart

I am listening to Paul Mauriat and Richard Clayderman, so that should give you a clue to the mood that I am in. During normal times I would not have made a public announcement about this (okay, so I am a closet Clayderman fan, but it's good for times like these, try it) but this isn't exactly normal times, so I am forgiven.

I am not exactly functioning in the way that I should (the way I am is another thing), feeding on my ga ga mood, not quite here and not quite there. Definitely not in equilibrium. You see, it is very hard to be in equilibrium when someone keeps walking in and out of your life every other day. And I thought I got rid of him by sending him off to Dubai. Back he comes again. Not that I am not grateful (I definitely am! :) ), but the after effect is paralysing. I lose my sense of balance, I feel like I am on a see-saw, or is it a rollercoaster? Especially when he keeps appearing in town every other day. Iks.

I need to straighten my head. Enough of this Mauriat-Clayderman coup!

Oh yeah, Hammie too seems to have gone over the edge, he has been making slutty noises.

Awrait! :)

Hasioux's handiwork, he plastic-surgeried yours truly into this.. he he!























And this...

And a couple more that I can't post here for the fear that this site will turn porno.. :)

You are so talented, mon ami!

Time Flies

It has been almost two months since I last wrote. Time really flies. This year moves forward really fast. And people say that you feel like that when you are old. So I guess I am old.

This is not yet the time to ruminate and ponder on the events of the year - that's reserved for the end of the year - but I can't help to think that there have been so many things that happened this year, the external things that have impacted my life. Internally though, is another matter. I don't think I have moved anywhere much. Neither forward, nor backward. And that's scary.

Even in the period that I have been away from these pages, many things have happened. 4 people that I know, or know of, have been diagnosed with cancer, a dear friend with MS and maybe worse, a friend's grandma passed away, a few breakups, a new project, and of course ramadhan, and eid, in the week past. He came back too, not once, but twice. The first time was heaven, the second, we'll see tomorrow.

And in my head, Brian Adams is singing Heaven.

"Now nothing can take you away from me, we've been down that road before, and that's over now, you keep me coming back for more..."

Of Germs and Reunions

This has been a week of sniffs and coughs. I have not been well, and staying in the artificially chilled office has not really helped the situation either. Very difficult to give your opinions when you can't even breathe, isn't it? So here I am today, at home, nursing my cold with a box of tissues (which is fast depleting), a huge glass of orange juice, and typing away. The headaches have not come into the territory yet, so I guess I am okay for the next couple of hours. And the medicine effect has not kicked in as well yet (well, unless you start seeing strange things on the page). My medical leave is only for today though, and I still have to go to work tomorrow. Which is Friday. Damn, why didn't I beg the doctor for another day! Or fake it well enough? Too late.

The doctor, who is my ex-classmate from school, was busy talking about the reunion which I didn't attend two weekends ago, rather than paying attention to what he was writing on my record. I did check my medicines after that, just in case... :) And of course the question that he kept asking me (him being the organiser and committee member) is why I wasn't there. Followed by all the usual tactics of putting the guilt on me bla bla bla... I didn't know that I would be bound for life for those 5 years of my young life. And the lie that I told somebody, something that rolled off my tongue at that cursed time because I did not have another answer, seemed to have been repeated to many others. Damn. So there I was, in the doctor's office, having to explain why I was in Dubai during the reunion, and he telling me that my cold is most likely caused by the hot weather there. Hmmm... should I trust my doctor again.. he he.

Woo-Woo Mood

I have been missed... that's a nice feeling :) I should be more specific to say that my writing has been missed. Which is still a nice feeling.

I have been suffering from this malaise of late - no mood to do anything, what more write. I am not even sure why I am in this mood. Too many things happening? Not really. Too many things NOT happening? More like it. My hands are like lead, so heavy that I can't seem to caress the keys on the keyboard to produce worthwhile sentences. My brain too just can't seem to focus enough to come up with anything half-interesting to write.

Am I experiencing the disease of the famous writers - writer's block? I do think that this is the case, it is more of laziness, unfortunately.

Let's hope this clears up, much like the haze.

Somewhere Over the Rainbow, if there is one!

I realised that I have not seen a rainbow in a long time. Where are the rainbows that brighten the world?

One Crazy Day

Did something on a whim today, well, quite a few things actually. And that should be yesterday, as I am writing at 3 am, not sleepy yet, feeling a little flushed from the joy of such things, which I realised I have not indulged in for the longest time. I was feeling restless and a little cooped up I suppose, from the days of the haze (whoa, it rhymes!) and when Jip decided to come visit, and we did not really have anything planned, I managed to convince him that it is good to get out of town, and managed to also convince the guileless Kel to hop into the car without even knowing the destination. He was probably bored to death too so he gamely agreed. Packed with a bag of cempedak goreng (and no water I realised later) and no destination we took off in Jip's car and ended up going south by the way of the Seremban highway. We thought of Melaka, but Linggi beckoned more, so we exited there and just plowed our way towards Melaka through Linggi, all the while belting out to the weird mixture of eighties new wave plus rainbow plus some mushy indonesian plus misha music Jip had in his CD changer. A good blend, as unplanned as the trip. And it was so refreshing to see the one horse towns along the way, places like Pasir Panjang and some others I am sure have never appeared in the Geography text books. One town had this one-pump petrol station, and the old Esso logo still on it! We snaked through oil palm estates and ended up in Kuala Sungai Baharu in Melaka which is by the beach with lots of little chalets for rent. I never knew these things exist. Of course the conversation kept revolving on one to main topic which I needn't mention here so as not embarrass anybode, meself included. :) Had dinner at some seafood place which if not for the high I was experiencing because of the spontaneity of the whole thing, I would have cursed the owner twice over (the barbecued fish tasted like it was nuked). On the way back we went off the highway and came back through the backroads whilst singing 70's malay songs. So my memory isn't too bad - we managed to dig out the most obscure of songs (remember singers like Quinary M, Gaya Zakry, heh he), though the same can't be said about our vocal prowess. And guess what, to further test our vocal prowess, we actually stopped by at a karaoke joint and tortured our lungs further. Well, the motto for the day was to be spontaneous, so I guess the karaoke thing just completed the whole thing.

And here I am writing this thing at 3 in the morning, feeling good. I need an antidote to all the craziness going around, so I guess being crazy myself worked. You should try it too.

Individual Thoughts

Individuals are called individuals for the reason that they are. Individuals are unique. Yet we tend to classify them into groups of masses. Of homogenised, over-generalised groups. Without respect to the individual characteristics that make them individuals. Is it our need to see people conform to what we want them to be? Like how a Malay person should be. Or how a guy should not love another guy, or get a facial. Or should I retract and say that a straight guy should not love another guy, and yet in the same breath, we say that love is blind. Or how a consultant should look all polished up and confident. I am guilty of the last one, in fact I teach my consultants to be like that. Hmmm...

Like how people say that you have to have a lover that loves you and only you, and not someone that you share with someone else. Even when that is what works best for you considering the circumstances that surround you, and the other person. Or you should retain your friends for life, even when your lives have gone very separate ways, that the friendship is more of a burden and makes you cringe with pain, just because it is a friendship and that is what is expected out of a friendship? What makes people think what works best for them will be so for another?

So what are these conformities that we expect? Because we are individuals, we tend to have our individual characterisations of our groups, like my definition of someone Malay is probably slightly different from yours. Or my definition of a friend differ from the next person's.

All I can say is that we just want people to be who we want to be, and not what they want to be. Which makes all of us selfish.

The World Today

Violence, people killing, planes crashing, bombings, are we coming to the end of the world?

I am not ready yet.

Change Change Change!

I need a change. So this is one of the changes, my new blog template.

Why the polka dots? Don't know.

You like?

The Storm Subsides

Yes, the long-lingering storm has finally subsided, at least for the time being, and I am finally feeling the peace that I have not felt for a long while. Calm, able to focus. Which I realise I have not been able to do for a long while. A testament to that - I just picked up a month-worth of mail from my mailbox, which I never realised I had not picked up. Not that there is anything interesting except for bills (and a red notice from the electricity company threatening to cut my supply for not paying for the past two months..ooops!). Oh yeah, and a belated birthday card from Chris - thanks Chris, I know it is a long way from DC to here, hence the month delay...he he.

It's about time. I am sick of feeling stormy. The worst is past. I just hope I can be like this for a long while. One word popped to mind - something I have not used for a long while since I have not been feeling verbose - halcyon.

Hah! :)

For A Friend

I have a friend who is going through a tough time in his life. He told me that he has never felt this depressed in his entire life. He has been trying to better himself, in all ways possible. I have known him for two-third of my life, he is perhaps one of the people I have known the longest, save my family. He is a simple person really, striving to live his life in the ways deemed rightful, trying to raise his family alongside. He is also one of the most unflappable persons I knew, never much affected by anything. Accepting of what comes his way. Which always drove me crazy, because I am always much affected by every little thing that I stumble upon. Yet he is a dear friend. I may not have told him as much, but he is.

Over the years, with so many things happening, we seem to have not been as close. Yet when my life is affected, like now, he is the one I would run to. Always there to lend a shoulder.

I do know how to console you, nor do I possess any good advice to give you, but you know that I am here if you need me, just the way that you have always been there for me.

Only one thing I want to say - God puts forth challenges to those whom He knows can take them. Stay strong.

Am I or Am I Not?

I have been meaning to write, and I have so many things I want to write about in the last few days, but nothing feels right. I have been wanting to talk to friends, but again nothing feels right, so in the end I did not talk to any. I bury myself in the ever piling work at the office, I come home and sleep at 10pm, which to most other people is like sleeping at 7pm, as I am a nocturnal animal. Not that I am sad, and neither am I depressed. I feel nothing really. He has called 3 times since, with many other little smses and dots of emails, and I don't feel anything.

Am I numb? Or am I okay with this whole business? I am not sure. People say time heals, but little time has passed since - it's only been 3 days. Am I supposed to be like this? Not that I am complaining, although it doesn't really go with my normally overly-sensitive being. Perhaps I am just glad that the whole thing is over, or maybe that the waiting was the killer? Again I am not sure.

May be I am just tired and I just need a little time by myself.

He is gone, just like the soft rain that accompanied me driving to the airport this morning. No dramas there - after all the whole family was there. The only thing that betrayed my emotion was my not being able to say anything when he hugged me and asked me to take care of myself. For the fear of breaking down. I just nodded. The son hugged me too, and asked me to follow, what could I say. I watched them until they just became dots, him the bigger one.

It is only on the way back, in the privacy of my car, when I saw a plane overhead that I finally shed my tears, although not as much as I thought I would. The one-hour driving helped. The grey-blue morning light filtered by the rain helped too. It wasn't so bad. I will live. Time will heal. It's just 3 years.

Tomorrow it will be 2 years and 364 days...

I Wish That The Clock Stops Ticking

30 hours more. That is how much time he has left before he exchanges this green land for the arid desert. And out of the 30, I probably have only 2 more out of that with him. That makes it what... less that 10-percent? I don't know, my maths isn't good, but you get the picture. Again, the same question that I keep asking myself over and over again like a mantra, after that, what?

Today was especially harrowing. Lunch with him, and he was complaining of how much he still has to do and how little time he has. He who never complains. My only way to console him was by replying that I would have probably drowned in the tasks and emotion that I would be paralysed long ago. Of which he replied that I am forever paralysed by my emotions anyway. How true. And lunch was a short affair, of which we had to accommodate Puan, who was dying to see him before he goes of. Another sacrifice on my side. But it's okay. And then a harried drive around town chauffering him for his eye check up, to his bank, back to his office as he did not have a car anymore. Which I readily did. Just so that I would have a few extra moments with him. Emotionally draining.

Not that I want that much extra out of him anyway, as I am so afraid that I will get used to that and will long for it when he is gone. And that's why I don't want him here tonight. Restrain, and hopefully it won't be so bad.

Although, I wish that the clock will stop ticking, and I can freeze time.

The Dinner

I had been planning for this for the last few weeks. Dinner for him. Cooked by me and I was hoping that I would be able to cook all the things that he likes, from scratch. A connoiseur he is not - he likes simple food. Pasta, roast chicken, steak, so the task itself isn't really difficult. Yet I had been writing and rewriting the list of things to put on the menu - one day it's fetuccini, with rosemary roasted chicken and roasted butter squash, the next it's spaghetti with pesto sauce, a light salad and steak. This is the last dinner I would cook for him for a long while at least, with him going away.

So tonight was the dinner. And of course, my little punto had to have trouble again and was in the workshop for the last two days, only to be ready at 1.30 today. Something to do with the ECU unit of the gearbox. All these computers with wheels! Which cost me a bomb to replace, so in the end I settled for a second hand one, not that I care that much as I am about ready to throw that little thing into the river. So much for Italian! Anyways, that really threw me off-balance, knowing how I would get ready for such an important occasion such as this way before hand, even when I knew it was going to be an easy one. So in the end it was a menu drawn in the aisles of Cold Storage - chips with salsa dips, a hodge-podge out of the bag salad with spicy pineapple vinaigrette (homemade of course), lemon-stuffed roasted spring chicken with honey-lemon-orange juice-oyster sauce-soy sauce-black pepper marinade (my own concoction, you must try, gorgeous!), spaghetti with my homemade pesto sauce (had to substitute the pine nut with walnuts as I could not find pine nuts!) and this really smooth tiramisu cake - that's from strudels, me no bake, and of course, kopi hang tuah. Ready in one hour. The funny thing was I was getting nervous preparing the things, and this wasn't really that hard to do. Guess must be the other thoughts disturbing, like I won't be cooking for him for a while, and worse, I won't be seeing him for a while.

He loved it. He always does when I cook. And I would have cooked for him everyday of my life, if only I can. If only.

2 more days...

Longing for a Money Plant

A plant in a mug can trigger such a complex emotion - longing. Saw someone adding water into her mug that has this scrawny money plant at my client's pantry just now, and suddenly I was missing the good life at a corporate office. Well, when it comes to office space at least. See, we consultants are hardly at the office that we don't even get a personal space there - not even a cubicle marked as our own. Whichever space is empty, we sit. Unlike when you are an office worker, you get your own space, which you can decorate in whatever way you like. Which you can put a scrawny money plant in a mug.

Suddenly I long for that. Long ago, before I sold my soul to the evils of consulting, I used to have that too. I even had a room at one point. And just like my house, they were personalised to the hilt. Which means that they were fire hazards - they had more things than a godown. At one point I even had a goldfish. I used to bring fresh flowers every week too. And when I was doing product development for the airline I used to work for, and my project was to produce aromatheraphy inflight kits, my cubicle was like an apothecary. Used to attract all the girls that way. And some of the men too..tsk..tsk.. I had so many plants that one of cubicle spaces resembled Kew Gardens. And to top it off, a bomoh once told me to remove my plants because they were attracting ghosts! Imagine that!

And now all I have is a laptop bag that contains all the things to accomodate my mobile office lifestyle - laptop, PDA, stationery, medical kit, sometimes snacks too. I miss the space.

May be it's time to move back to the corporate life?

A Rainy Sunday Afternoon

It's raining outside. Not the violent rain-type, just the type where the rain falls in big, soft, gentle drops that provides a nice musical background that can lull you into thinking. Or sleep. And I am at work. On Sunday. With nothing to do. Well, I have to be here for the sake of my team who is working. Just to show them that I care. And I seriously have nothing to do. Hence this blog.

If only life could be like this all the time. I am not thinking too much. Just enjoying being here. The silence. The clicking of the keyboard as I type this. The distant spattering of the rain. And the storms in my life are just part of the silent background noise, never interfering. If only.

Again, reflecting, I only need very few things to make my life peaceful. The rest I have learned a while ago to let go - Armanis, the corporate ambition... Yet these few things are the hardest to attain. Must I let go of them also? Or perhaps, must I learn to yearn for other simple things and not these? Will that make me a man of little desire, hence a man with no passion? As it is, gone are the days when I feel the strong desire for anything (except perhaps for one, and even that not as strong as before :) ). Someone whom I have not met for a while remarked that I have managed to look tired, and have lost the mischievous glint in my eyes I always used to possess. Is that right? Based on how I feel, I think it is.

So coming back to the question of whether I must let go of more, I don't know. Anybody out there has an answer?

Musings

Someone commented that my last 2 blogs are lively - livelier than what normally appears on these pages I suppose. I agree. What I don't know is whether that happens because I only write when I feel blue or whether I am always blue. Both I suppose. At least lately.

So many changes. Changes that happened. Changes that will happen. All around me. So I guess the next step is for me to change.

Exactly one more week. 7 days...

Catty Story

I came home tonight to find Hammie playing with Baby! He was pawing Baby the way he would his teddy bear. Poor Baby was yelping away, but mama Brownie just looked and pretended boredom. I said pretended because she was just ready to pounce if anything went wrong. What a change overnight!

And I need to bring R for his lasik surgery tomorrow. Pray to God that it goes well.

Cat Story

Hammie now has two new friends, Brownie and Baby. Given to me by R as he is moving. I wonder if it is his way to make me remember him more. They are supposed to be friends, anyway, although even after 3 days together all they do is hiss and scream at one another. You see, Hammie has always been by himself, cat-wise that is. The only other contact to another living thing he has is with me. And the goldfish, if you can count that in. he doesn't even know how to meow properly. He just produced this pathetic 'e..eek' sound instead of a meow. Yes, he is a handsome boy, all white and fluffy, with blue eyes. Now the other two had come to invade his home, the lithe, proud Brownie, who is worldly and streetwise (well, she got pregnant at 6 months old), with brown hair and white socks on all four feet, and Baby, who is Brownie's month old baby. Don't even know whether that one is a boy or a girl. All I know is that it has a funny colour - dirty is what comes to mind to describe her. Almost black, with patches of orange and brown. So unlike the pretty mother. Father must be really ugly. That's what R said, and mean to boot. So Brownie likes bad boys. And Hammie is I guess just a dainty fella trying to act naughty. Imagine the scene - Hammie tries to claim his territory only to run like mad when Brownie hisses. He is even scared of little Baby. And baby will just bulldoze at anything, and will bite anything she comes across, and walks bow-legged in a way only kittens can. So cute. I am going to have an interesting time parenting them. One good thing though, Hammie meowed for the first time today. Ah... the joy of parenting.

Of cherry blossoms in a faraway land

An email that came this afternoon, which was supposed to be an answer to my cry for help at work, from a colleague who is on vacation, and I am temporarily taking over his role, sounded so delicious. He is somewhere at the foot of Fujiyama, in a small village, staying in a small bamboo hut which is surrounded by cherry blossoms. No cars, and he takes his bath in those little tubs filled with boiling water, before his rice and sushi breakfast. Where no one speaks English. Where everyone is nice and genuine. And he says that it soothe his soul, drains away his sorrow. He had just split up with his girlfriend, you see. Perhaps that is what I need at this point. To be away from everything. To go somewhere that can wash away all the sorrow, angst, fear. Not now perhaps, but soon. Although I would rather go somewhere near the ocean, where I can sit by the water and let the waves wash away all the unnecessaries. Where everyone is nice and genuine.

Angst, and the likes

The restlessness that envelopes when you get the feeling that you are floating somewhere, neither the feet touching the ground, nor the head touching the skies, disoriented with lots of unfinished businesses and ifs. Not a nice feeling. It tightens around the chest, it blurs the boundary between reality and dreams. You don't know if it is pain, or more pain. You are numb.

And what is it that psychologists say, when you start using the second-person reference when referring to yourself?

Although last week brought a nice break, a pleasure even, with the visit of my dearest friend from down south, amidst the torrent of heartaches, hard work and parting pain.

Exactly two more weeks... and then what?

A Tribute

Of course it is the people closest to you that get the least recognition. The undemanding souls who stand by you through thick and thin, who tolerate you through your most tiring charades, who submit their thin shoulders unquestioningly when you need them. And they do so readily. Those who get awaken in the wee hours in the morning to listen to your cries of help. Those who support you without being asked. Lots of time, in the highest of highs and in the spasms of passion, they get buried somewhere at the bottom of the appreciation list. It is always the ones that give the short bursts of laughters and the spurts of ecstasy that rise to the top of the list. And yet when the laughters wane and when ecstatic cries turn bitter, they are the ones that are sought. For their thin shoulders, for their sympathy, for their words of comfort. Again and again. And again and again they will offer the same. And again, when the clouds of black part, when there is a mere showing of the ray of joy, they go down the list. Again. Such is the human trait. I know so, for I am guilty of this crime.

So friends, I want you to know, I appreciate you most although I may always forget to show it. I want you to know too, that you will always have a special place in my heart, a permanent one, that will never be replaced by the flirting joys. I don't need to mention names, you will always know who you are. Thank you for being there for me.

Welcome Aboard

Ha... the sense of satisfaction that you get when you know that you are right. I knew it - he will succumb to the urge. Proven so today. He finally admitted to starting his own blog. :) Told you.

Anyways, good news to me. He is a talented writer, an just adding comments on this blog will not satisfy the crave.

Right on babe. Let's see good pieces from you.

The Remaining Hours...

...before I add another number to the age count. Another year flew by, fast and furious. Things move quickly when you are older. And I don't know how much of the whirldwind I can remember, or significant enough to remember. Another year that passes by very quickly. Short because of the pace, but at the same time it feels very long, because I cannot remember much of it. Nor of the resolutions I made about the same time last year. Which means I did not manage to accomplish any of them, I suppose. So what would be my resolutions for this year? Nothing. So that I do not forget to remember them. I only have wishes. For my family to be healthy and happy. For the price of things to go down, or my income to go up, whichever way it goes. For him to be here, or me to be there. For the heart, to be more open and forgiving (and healthy). For dear friends, whom I have mostly neglected to tell how much they mean to me, to become dearer.

Another year coming. Another going. Nothing stands still. I must learn to accept.

What God Giveth

God puts forth challenges to the people He loves so they can learn and grow to become better people.

Decorum Conundrum

I am supposed to come up with a syllabus for business etiquette, grooming and decorum for the baby consultants - an assignment that I embraced with relish only to find that I cannot think up of materials to put in! Caught between trying not to be so stalwart and admonishing exposed bellies and nose studs, I am at a loss. I have to appear cool too, at the same time - after all they always say I am the coolest manager around ha ha..

Would phrases like 'rings are only for fingers, and studs for the ears' sound cool and still convey the message?

Help!

Prediction Predilection

My horoscope for today:

Nature may abhor a vacuum, but your living space might welcome one with open arms. Start straightening and tidying things up in your house, and you might see this effect spill over into other areas of your life that need it, too. Let's face it -- it's no fun coming home to a big mess, and the longer it goes on, the more everything will pile up. So start cleaning, and see if your head doesn't start to feel a little clearer as well.

Has somebody been watching me? :)

Musings of Today, Yesterday, and Tomorrow

There is so much that is assumed but never said. Presumed and not articulated. Which in the end is left to one's own interpretation. Lesson no 1 in Communications 101, say out loud what you want people to know.

That was my blunder for last week, and that wasn't the first time either. I still make that same mistake, with the same person, even after 18 years. The same for you too. Stubborn people tend to do it more often than others. And we, two of the most stubborn people ever born, are more prone to do so.

Funny how we are so alike despite the North Pole to South Pole differences that people say we project. At the core we are so much alike. Stubborn, egoistic. We understand each other too well, and that is what what we use to hurt one another more often than we care to admit. Perhaps that is what makes you so endearing. Perhaps I am narcissistic in that sense. That's a thought...

Perhaps too, it is my natural instinct to protect myself from the hurt when you are gone. Perhaps it is not even that, it is just that I miss you very much, and I want you around. With all the other commitments ("I have 1000 things to do and 10 days to do them") I lost my priority in your list. After all, you are the ever practical man. I think I should start singing Whitney's Saving All My Love For You now...

Ah well, today brought sunshine, even though I wanted to remain in my gloom, being the cancerian that I am. Like what I have been doing for the past 3 days. You have a way of robbing me of the gloom and switching on the sun in my life. Even with me resisting. You know me too well to wait upon my moodiness to lift.

Funny too that when I think about it, we haven't fought for a long while. It must have been 5 years. Too little time that we have with each other since. I remember the days when we used to fight everyday without fail - those were the days when we were together everyday!

Another month, and you will be gone. Another very short month, considering your travels and travails. Even shorter will be the time you will manage to spend with me... And I don't know what will happen after that. Numb is what I feel right now. No unhappiness, just numb. Not thinking too much. It will hit when you are gone. So you will not see me cry.

Of Lots of Things

Of joy and sadness, of love and hate, of hope and despair, of laughter and tears, of friends and foes, of family and lovers... Things that are going through my mind at the moment. I don't even know where to begin, or to continue to describe what I feel. I don't even have a plan of what to write. These words just flow out. The gamut of things that goes through my mind, no wonder there are zillions of neurons that make up the brain.

This week is a week where hope turns to despair, where anticipation of joy turns to sadness, where not so great news put a hilt on my calm. I am tired. I don't feel so cheerful. I turned down many friends who wanted to see me.

Am I too sensitive, or do I have the right to feel so? The logic part of my brain (which I think is very small) tries to reason it out, but the heart has a way of winning....

Ever heard this song?

I watched the planes come in on the early morning flights
But I could not stand to see them land without you
Now I'm thumbing through my 45's on another endless night
And the same old lines going back in time
Tell me this is nothing new

Well, I feel like Buddy Holly 'cause it's
Raining In My Heart
All the sad songs take me back to you now that we are apart
Now I know how Paul McCartney felt when he got up to say
I wish it was Yesterday
So I sit here playing Solitaire, it's a game I know so well
Ever since that day when you called to say: It's Over

Now I've made my reservation at the Heartbreak Hotel
While I'm living without you
I'm thinking about you, like Only The Lonely do
Well, I feel like Buddy Holly 'cause it's
Raining In My Heart
All the sad songs take me back to you now that we are apart
Now I know what Paul Simon meant by the words he found:
I wish I was Homeward Bound

Well, I feel like Buddy Holly 'cause it's Raining In My Heart
All the sad songs take me back to you now that we are apart
Now I know how Paul McCartney felt when he got up to say
I wish it was Yesterday
I wish it was Yesterday

Alvin Stardust - I Feel Like Buddy Holly @1984

And You Think That You Are Advanced...

Talk about anti-climax. My grandpa, who is 95 and still very healthy - he can still cycle 6km and not even sweat, and I cycle for 10 minutes in the air-cond gym and I feel like collapsing - whom I met over the weekend was giving me advice for my body and soul (he does this every time we meet, and as usual I listen but never practice) and he was telling me that I should do some deep breathing and stretching exercises every morning when I wake up. There I was - while being awed by how flexible he was, and while thinking that I would be screaming pain if I do the same movements - going like 'I have seen these before, where yah?' when it hit me that they are the same movements taught in my 3R classes! Well, it's this really cool (I thought so, at that time at least) class that teaches breathing and stretching techniques that is supposed to be a combined 3-in-1 yoga-taichi-alexander technique class which was supposed to help me reduce stress and remain in an oasis of calm, which I was telling everybody to sign up. And there was Grandpa doing the same movements which he claimed is one of the reasons why he is still very healthy even at 95 (of course he doesn't binge on Whoppers and Coke and doesn't come back from work at 10pm and doesn't reamin in artificially cooled environment for 20 hours a day)! Been doing it all his life too. So much for being cool and forward with this 3R thing! :)

The good thing out of this is that there is a living proof that it does work!

And don't ask me what the R stands for - Rest, Relax and ... Reproduce? Not. :)

Drip..Drip..Drip

This is the number one madness about living in an apartment, in KL at least. The toilet of the apartment above leaks, into mine! I have been having this problem for months, and I actually braved myself and told (well, I wrote a note and put it into the mailbox - not so brave) my upstairs neighbour about it, only to get a response that he couldn't do anything because he too was waiting for the management to do something. He did stop using the toilet though, so at least I had drip-free toothbrushing sessions at the sink for a while.

And then a someone else moved into the aprtment, and the problem started again. It got worse, actually. I can't even go near the sink, lest I will get water (of what origin, I would rather not know) dripping on my head. So I have to brush my teeth standing a few feet away from the sink. Same goes when I need to put on my lenses. Stinks big time!

I have to go knocking on the door again, well, more like writing a note again, ahem. Only this time, I am more wary about it - this girl that just moved in upstairs, is a butch-looking, kretek-smoking, punk-haired woman. I might get more than water dripping on my head! Ikh.

What do I do? Grin and bear it? Nope, I won't be opening my mouth anywhere near the drips, definitely.

Adjust You Must

Someone, I forgot who, said something like "the only constant thing in life is change". I usually hate all these words of wisdom, preferring the more direct and corny song lyrics (hence the reason I cannot remember the guy's name I suppose), but in this case it definitely proves to be true. I have been doing a lot of thinking over the long weekend, what with Joe wheezing into town for one day and going back to Chicago, Ann's wedding, Jip's weekend visit, and the obvious one, R's departure to Cape Town for two weeks - all these things affect me. I am glad for the visits, and I am sad for the departures, I am happy for Ann (she was gorgeous at the reception, and yes, I bought this pewter fruit bowl inspired by the V&A collection as a gift, if you are wondering. No not the typical shiny type, but one made to look antique) . I digressed, but what I wanted to say was, they affect me, and I guess more so in my current situation. I feel lopsided, I feel limp, too many movements, too many changes. And imagine when he is gone for 3 years ( which is equal to forever, it seems to me) imagine the hollowness.

But change I must, adjust I should. What else can I do? Whatever change means, I do not know at this point, but I know I must get out of this rut and start doing something. I can't afford to wear black and mourn, nor can I just hide myself in bed and not face the world (God, I will be so pale). I must.

I know through the course of getting there I will chicken out more than once, I will give up a thousand more times, but I need to do that.

Whoever says that life gets better as you get older really doesn't know shit about life. Trust me, I know.

p/s: Ever heard Patti Austin's 'Say You Love Me'? Discovered it by chance, and I love it!

Wedding...Wedding...Wedding

3 more days to her wedding, and I have yet to decide on what gift to buy for my friend Ann. The issues are, as I have technically analysed them:

1. She has everything that money can buy
2. She has expensive taste
3. I have a small budget
4. I want something unique to give her

Those things from Tiffany will definitely resolve issues 1 and 2, but to accommodate issues 3 and 4 I will have to give her only the turqoise paper bag. Getting someone to share the present-buying with me will definitely be a good proposition to resolve issue 3, but all my friends seem to have even smaller budget than me, and they want me to take care of issue 4. To resolve issue 4 may be I can paint her something or crochet her some stuff, but I only have 3 days, and that might lead to issue 2 too.

To make things worse, I am invited to two different occasions of the wedding - Saturday evening at her home, and Sunday evening at Shang. So, when do I give the present? Or, worse still, do I need two presents now?

Heh.. may be I should just pretend to be sick. :0

That Relocating Thing

It's time to start sorting through his things for R. For the relocation. To another city. In another country. Tough. Even for someone who is as practical as him. For someone whom I have called heartless too many times (obviously during fights). I saw the list of things to be sold off. Houses, cars, fridges, TVs, beds... He blabbered about things to be given away. Carpets, clothes, plants, DVDs, cat... He didn't mention about things he's leaving behind. Me.

I digressed (heart taking over), so I will steer this back to what I meant to write.

What I wanted to say was, there are so many things that we collect in our lives. Even for the most practical people. I am sure people who go for the zen-look in their home decor have very huge store rooms. I am a collector, and I don't want to imagine if I have to move. I have a pencil dating back from my university days, because it has the Armadillo Day logo (check out what it is at my alma mater's website groups.northwestern.edu/mayfest/background.htm). And that's just one of the many of them, from that period I mean. I have sarongs from my boarding school days, which I kept for the sentimental attachments I feel for them. One ripped when I squatted the other day. :) Books, don't mention it, some I have yet to open to the first page, some I did not even remember buying.

Do we actually need all the things that we possess? I have yet to find an answer otherwise. In the meantime though, I will help R to sort through his possessions, with the hope that it will help me to sort through my most-prized one, my heart. Drama again. :)

Change

A friend who has been extremely reluctant to take up a leading role in the project he is working on surprised me by suddenly accepting the role, and I asked him why the sudden change of mind. He said that he was listening to the sermon during last friday's prayer session and it hit him hard when the imam mentioned that when asked to lead, one must take up the offer and shall not refuse it. So he decided to take the role up. Timely.

It is such a simple statement, no whys mentioned. Somehow it hit me too, and I began to think about it too. Why? I am always thinking, and I need to know why. I guess God wants His people to be brave, to face bigger challenges in the face, and in doing so will make them better people, braver ummah. I think too, that God wants His people to change, to get out from their comfort zones .

And I guess that applies to me too, in the situation that I am facing. I must face the challenge of losing someone dear, I must move on and make something better out of the situation.

It is inevitable.

Thanks Yat, for the awakening little insight, even though you may have never known that it would help me.

Hit In the Chest with A Big Brick

Yes, that's how it felt when he told me the news. Not that I have not been pre-warned. Not that we don't talk about it, and what we would and should do if it happens. But until it is official, I guess I don't take it seriously enough. Perhaps that's just my natural reaction to protect myself from the pain, or I guess to just delay the pain.

Now pain comes like rain, tropical rain, gushing down hard, fast and furious. Pain in the heart.

And yes, he will be going away, at least for two years. And what do I do for the period?

Mourn and wear black? Hide the pain and continue? Move too?

***
Laying in the after glow
I only want to learn what you know
But now you’re leaving
How many hearts must you break?
How many calls must I make?
But now you’re leaving
In this world all that I choose has come unbearable
But love is in your touch
Oh it’s killing me so much
Only when you leave
I’ll need to love you
And when the action has all gone
I’m just a little fool enough to need you
Fool enough too long
Only when you leave, you’ll leave in danger
Oh I’ll make sure that you pay
So give a little passion to a stranger
And take this soul away
I only want to make this things last
So how could this have gone so fast
And now you’re leaving
How many times must I learn
It’ s only when you’ve gone that I burn
And now you’re leaving
In the end, all that I left has come unbearable
It’s hard to change your mind,
So leave it all behind
Only when you leave
I’ll need to love you
And when the action has all gone
I’m just a little fool enough to need you
Fool enough to long
Only when you leave, you’ll leave in danger
Oh I’ll make sure that you pay
So give a little passion to a stranger
And take this soul away

Spandau Ballet - Only When You Leave

This song kept playing in my head today for some reason:

I came across a cache of old photos
And invitations to teenage parties
"Dress in white" one said, with quotations
From someone's wife, a famous writer
In the nineteen-twenties

When you're young you find inspiration
In anyone who's ever gone
And opened up a closing door

She said: "We were never feeling bored
'Cause we were never being boring
We had too much time to find for ourselves
And we were never being boring
We dressed up and fought, then thought: "Make amends"
And we were never holding back or worried that
Time would come to an end"

When I went I left from the station
With a haversack and some trepidation
Someone said: "If you're not careful
You'll have nothing left and nothing to care for
In the nineteen-seventies"

But I sat back and looking forward
My shoes were high and I had scored
I'd bolted through a closing door
I would never find myself feeling bored

'Cause we were never being boring
We had too much time to find for ourselves
And we were never being boring
We dressed up and fought, then thought: "Make amends"

And we were never holding back or worried that
Time would come to an end
We were always hoping that, looking back
You could always rely on a friend
Now I sit with different faces
In rented rooms and foreign places
All the people I was kissing
Some are here and some are missing
In the nineteen-nineties

I never dreamt that I would get to be
The creature that I always meant to be
But I thought in spite of dreams
You'd be sitting somewhere here with me

'Cause we were never being boring
We had too much time to find for ourselves
And we were never being boring
We dressed up and fought, then thought: "Make amends"
And we were never holding back or worried that
Time would come to an end

We were always hoping that, looking back
You could always rely on a friend
And we were never being boring
We had too much time to find for ourselves
And we were never being boring
We dressed up and fought, then thought: "Make amends"
And we were never being boring
We were never being bored
'Cause we were never being boring
We were never being bored

That is Pet Shop Boys' "Being Boring" from the Behaviour album.

Ah...the positive thinking of youth... such a long time ago.

And this is what I did once, being boring

One Is Not Enough?

I once told a very good friend that it's okay to love two people at the same time. Which caused him to not speak to me for a few weeks, and I am sure he would have bashed my face in if I were in front of him at that time. This was when he just got told by the girlfriend whom he was getting engaged to that she was in love with another man too. A few days before their engagement day. (I wonder what he did with the solitaire diamond how-many-carat ring that he bought for her? :) )

Not that I was entirely to be blamed, because he called me like at 3 am when I was fast asleep, so I mumbled whatever came first to my mind at that time.

I must say that having gone through life this long, the concept seems to make more and more sense. You love different people for different reasons, and each person always has his / her own unique characteristics that you just love, be it the dimples on the cheeks (and I am talking about the ones on the face) or the big heart the person has. I have been in that situation too many times. I love R for the shape of the nose, and for being so practical although practicality, when applied to home decor can be disastrous to the sense of aesthetics; and I love A for being needy of me. Both at the same time. Not to mention a couple of others too. :)

There is no real reason for me writing this except that I was reminded again last night of what I had said, and I did tell my friend that I would have to document it on my blog. I know I will be reminded of this time and again by my friend. Of course by now we laugh about it. And my friend has turned the other way anyway, and I leave it to you to figure what I mean! :)

Now It's Stormy Petrol Price Too

Another 10 cents increase in the price of petrol? That's five more ringgits for a tank-full of petrol for my dinky little punto. Pretty soon I will have to ride a bike to work, which would be a dangerous feat to attempt in this city, but then again, a very light pocket is also very dangerous. Sigh... and I thought petrol comes from our own backyard in this country.

It's a Cruel, Stormy World

I have not heard from Na for weeks since the last time she called to tell me that her husband is seeing another woman, and actually quit his job to move to another country to be with that woman. This is Na, who, in the 10 years that I have known and gotten close to her, adores her husband, and has never had anything bad to say about him. And now this. After 20 years of marriage, and 3 children.

Today, I just had this urge to call her to find out how she is and the minute she answered my call, I knew things have gone to hell. And back, probably. She was sobbing, and was not even able to talk properly. What I could gather was that her husband had left in the morning, apparently for good. For the other woman. To another country. Without a single care about her, nor the children. While her older boy just came out from the hospital, treated for depression. While they were getting ready to send him to boarding school tomorrow. No mercy. Worse, she tried to ask him to delay his departure by one day so that they can send the son together to school (imagine begging your husband to stay just one day longer to carry our his paternal duty) and guess what she got in return for that? A shove, which made her fall into the store room, and left her with bruises.

After twenty years, and because of a woman in another country. It leaves me thinking, a lot.

Sanity Check

I did something that I felt guilty about tonight; what it is, is inconsequential I think. I am always one who believes in cause and effect, in this case, if I do something wrong than something bad will happen to me. That is ingrained in me. I guess that is also a check and balance mechanism for me because I am not one who is not prone to wrong, in my book of judgement at least. So now I am feeling guilty. It is not a feeling that I like, and I keep telling myself that I should not even feel so.

Even so, here I am writing about it, which means that I am thinking about it. Insane. One does wonder if sanity is ever a default trait these days. :)

What do you do

What do you do when you are falling for the unthinkable
What do you do when your heart is reaching out to the unreachable
What do you do when your brain refuses to follow logic
What do you do when your head no longer rules and the heart takes over

Am I falling in love all over again?
Don't answer me.
I know so.
And I don't want to.

A Long Spell of Silence

I just realised that I had been quiet for a long long time, after the initial burst of activities I had on the site. Time passed, and did so very quickly. This is so me - to get all excited about something and then quickly lose steam after that. Well, that doesn't apply to everything about me though.. he he.

So much happened since then, and it is amazing that I am still standing the way I am today. And somehow most of them seem to be sad things. I lost my grandma on 18 August 2004 to old age. Tok was 87, and she was the one who raised me. Tok was a woman who was way ahead of her time and place in her thinking. It's amazing for a woman who spent all 84-years of her life in the small kampung of Padang Pauh in Perlis to be so forward thinking. She was a strong woman who never shed any tears, and accepted any hardships that came her way with dignity and strength and faith that I have never seen in any other person. If only I could have a shred of her character I would be ten times better than who I am today. And Tok, I miss you terribly.